In the height of Sylvester Stalone’s popularity, he made a lot of very smart moves for his career. Some notable examples of this were his starring roles in both the Rambo and Rocky franchises that both shot to incredible success. Now, every popular movie star in any time makes some silly choices, and his silliest choice was to portray the main character in a disastrous film known as “Rhinestone” with country singer Dolly Parton. Now normally, a bad move is a bad move, but Stalone must have actually liked this movie and actually had some faith in it due to the fact that he was not only the star of the film, but also a screenwriter. His faith could not have been more misplaced.

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Stalone’s chest is in plain view for most of this movie.

Now before I start this review, there is something I need to get off my chest. I hate country music. This movie may be for the audience of people who DO like country music, but that’s just not me. So, clearly, I am not the target audience of this movie. That being said, the music is not the only problem with this movie.

The movie starts with Dolly Parton singing country music in some big time country bar with country dudes in a country outfit and all that jazz. So at this point I’m like “Oh boy, it’s gonna be a country movie.”. Then a perverted old rich man attempts to swoon her into having sex with him. This really sets the tone for how shitty this movie is going to be. Then, her and the perverted old man make a bet. She has to turn a regular joe into a country star in two weeks. If she wins, her binding contract to play at the perverted man’s bar is torn up. If she loses, she has to bang him. That’s right ladies and gentlemen. The biggest conflict of this movie is that Dolly Parton doesn’t want to bang the rich man.

Enter Nick. Sylvester Stalone’s boorish New York cab driver. Now within minutes of the film starting, there’s already some racism. I’ll elaborate. The first people that Nick picks up in his cab are stereotypical Japanese tourists with all their NYC swag. They hop in the cab and begin demanding sushi. It’s at this point that Nick goes “That shit’s gross dude. Eat something American.” and then proceeds to take them to the before mentioned country bar.

It’s here that the he runs into Dolly Parton (Who’s character name I can’t quite remember, but fuck it, we’ll just call her Dolly) and the perverted old man. They agree that Nick will be the man for the job. Oh boy, here we go.

A stupid scene in a stupid movie
A stupid scene in a stupid movie

Of course, since this is how terribly written movies work, Nick instantly shows interest in Dolly as a fuck-object. Of course his boorish mannerisms don’t gain him access to her right away. But you just wait. So Dolly decides that to truly get him in the country spirit, she needs to take him back home to the country house in the country somewhere, I don’t know if it ever really specified where they were. And yes, this is hilariously close to the plot line of Pauly Shore’s Son In Law.

A conflict with Dolly’s former fiancee Barnett also comes up, but it’s seriously a pretty dumb conflict. Nick and Barnett become close until Barnett realizes that Nick is into Dolly. Then shit hits the fan and Barnett throws some fists. This conflict really doesn’t come much farther than that and honestly, it’s the most prevalent conflict in the whole movie. The entire middle section of this movie is mostly filled with pointless montages of Stalone becoming more and more country.

Now there’s a few huge problems with this movie, but one I’d like to acknowledge is the wardrobe. They couldn’t have Dolly Parton in one article of clothing that didn’t extenuate her ginormous breasts and they couldn’t have Stalone in one article of clothing that didn’t show almost all of his chest hairs. It’s not a huge detail, but honestly it distracted away from an already paper-thin plot line.

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Stalone’s awesome Skeleton shirt is awesome

There’s some pretty terrible scenes where Stalone attempts to sing in a shouting jazzy style. Stalone’s incomprehensible singing is awful to hear and extends for a long while, but the screenwriters (including Stalone himself) must have thought that it was the joke that just kept on giving. This joke happened quite a few times throughout the movie, once during a funeral. Speaking of which, there’s a part in the movie where Stalone says that he doesn’t like funeral parlors because of the zombies. Yep. Actual dialogue.

So after Nick becomes a full on country superstar, there’s a couple more scenes in the country. The first one was strange and seemed misplaced. The 3 main characters (Stalone, Dolly and her father) say goodnight to each other for like a full minute. I had no idea what the hell was going on but it was very strange. The next scene showcased Dolly’s father trying to pawn an ugly suit off on Nick and then Nick banging Dolly.Then after they have a sweaty romp, it’s time to go back to New York City for Nick’s huge debut

You’d think “Oh good, this movie has no more conflict so it must be ending soon” and you’d be very wrong. The movie then throws out more conflict as Dolly shouts that she’s going to sleep with the perverted man at one of Nick’s family gatherings. Uh-oh. The truth comes out. Regardless, she says that the deals off cause they have a fight about something stupid so she stomps away to go and bang the pervert guy.

I hate this movie
I hate this movie

So of course, Stalone comes to save Dolly from the pervy dude and succeeds and they’re all like “oh my god you’re the best i love you” kind of romantic bullshit. Then the two hightail it down to the country bar, Nick makes his debut and the crowd loves him and everyone lives happily ever after. Go figure. Fuck this movie.

I have two main problems with the plot of this movie. Number 1; Stalone can’t do cowboy. As all of the folks around town are like “I think he’s getting it!”, the viewer is like “No he’s fucking not. He’s terrible” and they’d be right. He IS terrible. Number 2; as much as this movie would like to think that they had an enormous character development in transforming the douche bag cab driver into a cowboy, there really isn’t a whole lot of character development. He’s still the same douche bag, he’s just in cowboy boots at the end. That’s the difference. Also, Parton’s character is really flat and has no real character.

So basically what we have here is a watered down script that somehow past through Hollywood and got put into production by accident. Stalone’s acting has never been worse, Parton gives about 40% of her effort and the movie’s plot is thinner than a beanpole. This movie is a significant step down from the already terrible “Son in Law”. I never thought I’d say this, but I’d rather watch the Pauly Shore movie.

About The Author Buck LeDuke

I'm running this show. Contact me at punchnerds@gmail.com and @lastcooldude

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