In 2012, Hasbro decided that it was in their best interest to make a film adaptation of the classic board game “Battleship”. Now the concept of the game was simple. You have two fleets of 6 battleships and you fire blindly at your opponent hoping that you hit one of their ships. The game was mostly luck and housed very little in the department of skill and wit. When Hasbro decided that the film was going to happen, they couldn’t have known the horrible, disgusting creature they had just accidentally spawned. This… is Battleship.

A big fockin ship
A big fockin ship

The movie starts out with some scientists reveling at the discovery of a planet similar to Earth, saying it would be possible that it houses similar life as earth. Okay… Wait what? Isn’t this supposed to be about Battleship? Like the board game? What the hell is going on here? So after creating a device that can send messages in the form of thick orange lasers, they send off a quick text to the other planet. Here’s my first gripe. I’m pretty sure that messages that are sent out via satellite don’t take a physical form of a laser. Imagine if they did. Everytime you send a text message a laser blares out of your self phone in full color. Could be deadly. Whatever. Moving on.

It’s at this point we are introduced to the lead character, Alex Hopper. A worthless piece of shit who steals a burrito from a closed 7-11 in order to try and bang the admiral’s daughter. After an embarrassing moment with the police, it’s decided that Alex Hooper is going to join the Navy.

After this, we can only assume that 2 or 3 years have passed, but the movie makes no indication of that information. Alex is now in a serious relationship with the admiral’s daughter, Sam and there’s a 20 minute bit about Alex wanting to ask the admiral for his daughter’s hand in marriage. It’s not funny. It just stretches for a long time.

Rihanna doing that sassy look she does always.
Rihanna doing that sassy look she does always.

Now before we move on, let’s talk about acting for a minute. The main character, Alex is portrayed by a weak Channing Tatum clone that goes by the name of Taylor Kitsch. He’s nothing special, in fact some of his delivery is just abysmal. The admiral is played by my favorite actor: Liam Neeson. Now Neeson plays his role well but the fact is that he’s just not in the damn movie enough. Why hire Liam Neeson to have him barely in the movie? Seems like a waste of money and talent to me. Alexander Skarsgard plays Alex’s more successful brother, Stone. Here’s another waste of talent. A good actor, but not in the film enough.

Now as far as acting goes, I didn’t expect gold but there’s one in particular that I think needs addressing. Whoever the fuck decided to hire Rihanna as an actress should be fired forever and told never to return to the film industry by threat of death. Rihanna gives a sassy but piss poor performance that is truly laughable. I hope she’s never in a movie again.

Now back to the plot line. The Navy moves out on a training exercise when some alien ships crash down and create a barrier around the three navy ships that are present. It’s at this point you realize why the alien shit come up earlier in the movie. Because the aliens are going to be the opposing side. Ugh. Here we go.

bat3

So of course, the aliens hilariously out gun the navy and begin firing away immediately, destroying two of the battleships, including the ship with Stone Hooper, the main character’s older brother. After the destruction, Alex Hooper decides to retreat, followed by a half an hour segment where really not much happens. Panic ensues and people just drool over the aliens in fear for about half an hour and not much action takes place.

There’s a side-plot in this movie that just doesn’t fit at all. It is revealed that the main character’s girlfriend Sam is a therapist for amputees and she takes one of her patients for a walk on the mountains. This continues for most of the movie without any real relevance. In fact, thinking back on it, this didn’t add anything to the plot. It was pointless and seemed like a time filler. They had an unfinished script so they through some amputee shit in there to try and cash in on the pity card.

Shortly after the retreat, they find out that because the ships are alien and made of an unknown material, they can’t sense them on their radar. Oh fuck off. So guess what they have to do. FIRE BLINDLY! They even create a map that is basically a board of Battleship. I see where they were going with this, but something just falls so short here and their explanation of the board-game tie in is just down right stupid.

After wasting some more time, we finally make it to the climax of this film. Hooper and his stupid troops have to strategically fire on an alien ship and destroy the communications beacon. After all is said and done, Hooper is hailed as an American hero and finally gets the courage to ask the admiral for his daughters hand. Too bad for Hooper that Liam Neeson is a bad ass motherfucker and says no to his face.

Hooper's not racist. He has Asian friends.
Hooper’s not racist. He has Asian friends.

Now here’s another quarrel I have about this movie. I understand that this movie was drenched with american military propaganda, and that’s fine BUT, if you’re gonna have a movie about the Navy being sneak attacked in a harbor, having it take place in Pearl Harbor is the worst idea ever. Literally any other harbor would have worked? Why did they have to make it the offensive one? That’s just bad planning right there.

Overall, this movie feels like what would happen if you gave Asylum a huge budget and Liam Neeson. Thinking back on it, it really feels like an Asylum film. Like a lot. So overall, don’t waste your time even if you’re a Neeson fan because they skimp on the Liam in this movie. Would not recommend. What a piece of shit.

About The Author Buck LeDuke

I'm running this show. Contact me at punchnerds@gmail.com and @lastcooldude

comments (1)

  • It’s annoying when people refer to all naval vessels as “battleships”, even when they’re some pitiful little destroyer or cruiser. I guess a lot of parents don’t teach their kids the difference between naval vessels? Let me guess, you can’t tell one rifle from another, either? What a sheltered bunch of pussies.

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